Dear God

Dear God,

My knees are sore, my throat is raw, my faith is shaken. I feel like a failure. Why did you have to take Philip away from us? Why is my husband so upset? Where will my life go? Have I been too much of a push over. I love the idea of a family with Steve. If this is not your will I will understand. I seem to never get what I want. I give up lord. I give it to you. If it will work great if not I will be fine. Make him realize how great I am. Please dont let him feel bad about himself anymore. Please give him the strength to support me. Please let him know that everything I did for him was for love. I appreciate all the small things about him. I love his laugh, the way he plays guitar, the way he holds me, his corny jokes, the fact that a simple hug from him changes my entire day. PLease let him have fun tonight and then come home to me. PLease dont let him see the pain anymore. I am trusting in you lord. Help me have more patience. Love you lord.

Beckie

101

Thats my temp this morning. I want this illness to go away. Thats all for now.

Life Mission

Friday night I went to my friends house because I was having a really bad panic attack. We had such a great time. We talked for hours. We then went to a store called Crystal Voyage. It is a place for spirituality. A psychic approached us and told us both that we need to get back on our path. She said we both are very gifted and need to start using the tools. She picked up my grandfather Ryan and stated he loved to fish and recently died. She got his name and also said she saw us making a collage. Later that night Charlie saw three white doves fly away. My friend Chris did a Tarot reading on me and then she gifted me with a set of Tarot cards for myself. I am picking them up pretty fast. I am at peace with who I am now. I am a combination of all religions. I am going to a church I found called Novous Spiritous on Sunday where they focus on Gnostic Christianity. I am very excited. I am meditating daily, writing, and praying. I now know I am here to help lost souls. I will make this my life lesson. My friend Christina and I are going to do this together. I am also getting my hypnotherapy certificate and aromatherapy certificate. In five years I hope to have my own Spiritual Counseling Practice.

Car accident on Friday

On my way to work I almost got into a huge car accident. It was 6:00 am and raining out. I was going 50 mph down a country highway. There was a sharp turn in the road. A driver from the other side was going too fast and spun out of control. The back end of his car hit the front end of the car in front of me. The car then spun again and hit the gard rail. The front half of his car flies to my right side. Luckily I stop in time and do not hit the car in front of me. The piece of his car does not hit me either. And the car behind me stops in time. It was a miracle. I jumped out called 911 and then went to the other cars. The guy in front of me was fine. The guy who caused the accident had some major damage. Myself and another passenger had to pry open his door to get to him. He was bleeding and was going unconcious. While we waited for 911 another person applied pressure on his wound and I talked to him to keep him awake. He was able to give me a phone number and name for his wife. I called her and calmed her down. When the cops came the guy who caused the accident went unconcious. Luckily the amublance came shortly after. They had to use the jaws of life to get him out. His wife called me later that day and thanked me. She said he was fine but had a broken leg and head trauma. He was released from the hospital later that day. Unfortunately he did not have a drivers license, car insurance, or health insurance. He is an illegal alien and because of this may be sent back to Mexico. The guy in front of me called me and I had to break the news to him that the other guy did not have insurance. Luckily he has uninsured motorist. I was glad I could help them both and it gave me some insight on my life. I went to urgent care because my back was very sore. I am on some medications for it but I know I will be fine.

So Sleepy

Last week I was back in OH for my grandpa's funeral. There was a ton of drama. The funeral was difficult because it was so similar to my dads. On Friday I found out my biological Grandma died. I did not stay for her service as I was so tired. I found out that it was just a five minute service where they prayed over her body and that was it. My grandma had a mental disorder and now is in a better place. I love her and am glad she is getting the help she needs now. I flew home Saturday night and must have gotten a cold from the plane. I am so sleepy and my throat is aching. I am so tired of drama and I know life will only get better from this point on.

RIP James Allen Ryan

Today we buried my grandfather. It was a difficult day for me today since I lost someone and the funeral brought memories of my dads passing. James Allen Ryan was an amazing person here is what was written about his life.

He was the youngest of 7 children born to Salvationist parents, Orvile and Mary Ryan, on Feb. 18, 1931, in Columbus, Ohio. He was named after Commissioner John J. Allen of The Salvation Army and has always been affectionately known as "Al."

Al was a 1949 graduate of Central High School. He was employed at American Standard where he held various positions including foreman. Al also worked at Westinghouse, John W. Galbreth Co. and Grange and Allied Security. He was a volunteer chaplain at Mount Carmel West Hospital for five years.

Al was recently awarded the Long Service Medal for completing twenty-five years of volunteer services in various capacities of The Salvation Army in the Greater Columbus Area, ranging from Sunday School Teacher, Youth Ministries, Adult Ministries, Community Care Ministries and Bible Class Teacher.

As part of The Salvation Army Community Care Ministries, Al faithfully conducted a weekly Bible Study for residents at the West Park Nursing Home and Rehabilitation Center and at the Columbus home of his brother John. For The Salvation Army Youth and Adult Ministries he was an organizer of softball and basketball teams. Al led his team to many victories. He also served on the staff at The Salvation Army Greenwood Lake Youth Camp in Delaware, Ohio.

In the late 60's he was selected by The Salvation Army to attend the Glen Lyre School for Evangelism in Colorado Springs, CO. Through this schooling he learned how to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. His true passion was to seek and serve the lord. He placed his life on the altar and gave himself completely over to the lord. Al's desire was for everyone to know Jesus Christ and have the blessed hope of eternal life. For a few years, he also served as a minister of the Family Alter Leauge.

Al was known for the love and compassion he had for others. He had an uncoditional love for everyone he met. Al would spend many countless hours over the last year visiting with the lonely in nursing homes, home visits shut-ins, and hospital visitation. If you needed someone to pray with you, no matter what the time of day or night you could always count on him to be there. He loved to give of his time in service through various charities.

He loved to sit on the banks of the river fishing with his family and friends. It was during these times of relaxation that Al was able to share the story of his Savior.

One of the Lord's gracious and kind gentleman, James Allen Ryan entered into his new Eternal home on April 4, 2009 at 8 p.m. with his family at his side. He held fast to his Master's hand as he was guided safely home. He had been under hospice care, in recent weeks, due to declining health. he is now standing before his Lord, free from sickness, praising Him and His grace and faithfuness through the years.

Al's final words to his family and friends:

"God has always carried me through life and now God is carrying me through the Pearly Gates. As I wave goodbye to the loved ones I leave behing, I'm waving hello to all my loved ones there in Heaven."



Our Final Goodbye:

Al was a loving husband to Vera Waymire who he married on July 18, 1950 and was happily married for 45 years, until she was Promoted to Glory. He married Lelia Ladley in March 2000.

Al is survived by daughter, Penny Vance (Gary); sons James (leona), William (Bev), Thomas (Marie), Charles (Dani); brother, John (Frances); wife Leila and host of nieces, nephews, and cousins.

He was a loving grandfather to 12 grandchildren; James III, Steve, Mike, Gary, David, Ridge, Jessica, Thomas Jr., Susan, Beckie, CJ, and Caiden. Al was a loving great-grandfather to Kaitlyn, Elizabeth, joel, Cassera, Chase, Roana, Ro-N, Bryanne and Cheyanne.

Al was preceeded in death by wife, Vera; son Steve; mother; father; sister, Edith, and brothers, Daniel, ORville, Richard, and William.

He has heard the call of Mighty to save "Enter into Thy eternal rest. You have run the race and now receive your crown of victory. Well done, thy good and faithful servant."

Dad, Grandpa, Great-Grandpa, Uncle Al, Our beloved loved one, we will miss you because you have been loved by all. You are now one of God's special angels.

Going to Ohio

My Grandfather is on his death bed and has minutes to live. I am heading back to OH today and coming back next Saturday.