Dear God

Dear God,

My knees are sore, my throat is raw, my faith is shaken. I feel like a failure. Why did you have to take Philip away from us? Why is my husband so upset? Where will my life go? Have I been too much of a push over. I love the idea of a family with Steve. If this is not your will I will understand. I seem to never get what I want. I give up lord. I give it to you. If it will work great if not I will be fine. Make him realize how great I am. Please dont let him feel bad about himself anymore. Please give him the strength to support me. Please let him know that everything I did for him was for love. I appreciate all the small things about him. I love his laugh, the way he plays guitar, the way he holds me, his corny jokes, the fact that a simple hug from him changes my entire day. PLease let him have fun tonight and then come home to me. PLease dont let him see the pain anymore. I am trusting in you lord. Help me have more patience. Love you lord.

Beckie

101

Thats my temp this morning. I want this illness to go away. Thats all for now.

Life Mission

Friday night I went to my friends house because I was having a really bad panic attack. We had such a great time. We talked for hours. We then went to a store called Crystal Voyage. It is a place for spirituality. A psychic approached us and told us both that we need to get back on our path. She said we both are very gifted and need to start using the tools. She picked up my grandfather Ryan and stated he loved to fish and recently died. She got his name and also said she saw us making a collage. Later that night Charlie saw three white doves fly away. My friend Chris did a Tarot reading on me and then she gifted me with a set of Tarot cards for myself. I am picking them up pretty fast. I am at peace with who I am now. I am a combination of all religions. I am going to a church I found called Novous Spiritous on Sunday where they focus on Gnostic Christianity. I am very excited. I am meditating daily, writing, and praying. I now know I am here to help lost souls. I will make this my life lesson. My friend Christina and I are going to do this together. I am also getting my hypnotherapy certificate and aromatherapy certificate. In five years I hope to have my own Spiritual Counseling Practice.

Car accident on Friday

On my way to work I almost got into a huge car accident. It was 6:00 am and raining out. I was going 50 mph down a country highway. There was a sharp turn in the road. A driver from the other side was going too fast and spun out of control. The back end of his car hit the front end of the car in front of me. The car then spun again and hit the gard rail. The front half of his car flies to my right side. Luckily I stop in time and do not hit the car in front of me. The piece of his car does not hit me either. And the car behind me stops in time. It was a miracle. I jumped out called 911 and then went to the other cars. The guy in front of me was fine. The guy who caused the accident had some major damage. Myself and another passenger had to pry open his door to get to him. He was bleeding and was going unconcious. While we waited for 911 another person applied pressure on his wound and I talked to him to keep him awake. He was able to give me a phone number and name for his wife. I called her and calmed her down. When the cops came the guy who caused the accident went unconcious. Luckily the amublance came shortly after. They had to use the jaws of life to get him out. His wife called me later that day and thanked me. She said he was fine but had a broken leg and head trauma. He was released from the hospital later that day. Unfortunately he did not have a drivers license, car insurance, or health insurance. He is an illegal alien and because of this may be sent back to Mexico. The guy in front of me called me and I had to break the news to him that the other guy did not have insurance. Luckily he has uninsured motorist. I was glad I could help them both and it gave me some insight on my life. I went to urgent care because my back was very sore. I am on some medications for it but I know I will be fine.

So Sleepy

Last week I was back in OH for my grandpa's funeral. There was a ton of drama. The funeral was difficult because it was so similar to my dads. On Friday I found out my biological Grandma died. I did not stay for her service as I was so tired. I found out that it was just a five minute service where they prayed over her body and that was it. My grandma had a mental disorder and now is in a better place. I love her and am glad she is getting the help she needs now. I flew home Saturday night and must have gotten a cold from the plane. I am so sleepy and my throat is aching. I am so tired of drama and I know life will only get better from this point on.

RIP James Allen Ryan

Today we buried my grandfather. It was a difficult day for me today since I lost someone and the funeral brought memories of my dads passing. James Allen Ryan was an amazing person here is what was written about his life.

He was the youngest of 7 children born to Salvationist parents, Orvile and Mary Ryan, on Feb. 18, 1931, in Columbus, Ohio. He was named after Commissioner John J. Allen of The Salvation Army and has always been affectionately known as "Al."

Al was a 1949 graduate of Central High School. He was employed at American Standard where he held various positions including foreman. Al also worked at Westinghouse, John W. Galbreth Co. and Grange and Allied Security. He was a volunteer chaplain at Mount Carmel West Hospital for five years.

Al was recently awarded the Long Service Medal for completing twenty-five years of volunteer services in various capacities of The Salvation Army in the Greater Columbus Area, ranging from Sunday School Teacher, Youth Ministries, Adult Ministries, Community Care Ministries and Bible Class Teacher.

As part of The Salvation Army Community Care Ministries, Al faithfully conducted a weekly Bible Study for residents at the West Park Nursing Home and Rehabilitation Center and at the Columbus home of his brother John. For The Salvation Army Youth and Adult Ministries he was an organizer of softball and basketball teams. Al led his team to many victories. He also served on the staff at The Salvation Army Greenwood Lake Youth Camp in Delaware, Ohio.

In the late 60's he was selected by The Salvation Army to attend the Glen Lyre School for Evangelism in Colorado Springs, CO. Through this schooling he learned how to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. His true passion was to seek and serve the lord. He placed his life on the altar and gave himself completely over to the lord. Al's desire was for everyone to know Jesus Christ and have the blessed hope of eternal life. For a few years, he also served as a minister of the Family Alter Leauge.

Al was known for the love and compassion he had for others. He had an uncoditional love for everyone he met. Al would spend many countless hours over the last year visiting with the lonely in nursing homes, home visits shut-ins, and hospital visitation. If you needed someone to pray with you, no matter what the time of day or night you could always count on him to be there. He loved to give of his time in service through various charities.

He loved to sit on the banks of the river fishing with his family and friends. It was during these times of relaxation that Al was able to share the story of his Savior.

One of the Lord's gracious and kind gentleman, James Allen Ryan entered into his new Eternal home on April 4, 2009 at 8 p.m. with his family at his side. He held fast to his Master's hand as he was guided safely home. He had been under hospice care, in recent weeks, due to declining health. he is now standing before his Lord, free from sickness, praising Him and His grace and faithfuness through the years.

Al's final words to his family and friends:

"God has always carried me through life and now God is carrying me through the Pearly Gates. As I wave goodbye to the loved ones I leave behing, I'm waving hello to all my loved ones there in Heaven."



Our Final Goodbye:

Al was a loving husband to Vera Waymire who he married on July 18, 1950 and was happily married for 45 years, until she was Promoted to Glory. He married Lelia Ladley in March 2000.

Al is survived by daughter, Penny Vance (Gary); sons James (leona), William (Bev), Thomas (Marie), Charles (Dani); brother, John (Frances); wife Leila and host of nieces, nephews, and cousins.

He was a loving grandfather to 12 grandchildren; James III, Steve, Mike, Gary, David, Ridge, Jessica, Thomas Jr., Susan, Beckie, CJ, and Caiden. Al was a loving great-grandfather to Kaitlyn, Elizabeth, joel, Cassera, Chase, Roana, Ro-N, Bryanne and Cheyanne.

Al was preceeded in death by wife, Vera; son Steve; mother; father; sister, Edith, and brothers, Daniel, ORville, Richard, and William.

He has heard the call of Mighty to save "Enter into Thy eternal rest. You have run the race and now receive your crown of victory. Well done, thy good and faithful servant."

Dad, Grandpa, Great-Grandpa, Uncle Al, Our beloved loved one, we will miss you because you have been loved by all. You are now one of God's special angels.

Going to Ohio

My Grandfather is on his death bed and has minutes to live. I am heading back to OH today and coming back next Saturday.

Sorry for the Delay

I am so sorry I have not posted in a while. I had a rough month. I could not take any more pressure and I had a mental break down (literally). My doctor wanted to admit me into the hospital for Depression and Anxiety. I refused and opted to take two days off from work. I am now on medications that have helped a ton. I am doing a lot better.

My team is getting split up on April 1st because the other teams are getting too small. I am moving to a special project. I am excited and sad at the same time. I am sure everything will be fine.

I am still looking for a new job and I know one will come. I am making sure I am taking care of myself before I go on. I went to the dentist today and my teeth are very healthy. No Cavities, YEAH. They suggested a night guard because I grind my teeth. I am sure my insurance will cover it. I have a 3 appointments on Thursday, a physical, eye doctor, and my psychiatrist. I am in great spirits especially since I get to see one of my BFF's next week. Barb and Sydney are coming out for a visit next week. YEAHHHHHH!

Valentines Day

Sorry I have not blogged in a while. There has been a lot going on. Today is Valentines Day and I am writing a blog :). I was never a really big fan of Valentines day. The first Valentines day I received something was in tenth grade from an old boyfriend. The next year I received some flowers from my boyfriend at the time. In my senior year my husband got me a stuffed animal, chocolate, roses, and an ad in the newspaper. Since then we have not done much I have received some flowers and some pajama grams. Now it was sweet but anyone who knows me knows that I really do not care for romance. So this Valentines I did not receive any flowers or cards. I had to cook my own dinner and there was no special things done today. I went to weight watchers which confirmed that I am still on a plateau of only losing 40 pounds, went to subway, went to the library, went grocery shopping, and came home to cook. Now I am writing a blog and Steve is reading a book. Yesterday we went to Applebee's and went to the movies and watched Mall Cop. It was a funny movie.

On Wednesday this week I learned we were selling Valentine Grams for March of Dimes and since I am on the Volunteer committee for Community Projects I decided to sale 200 of them. I ddi not start sooner because honestly I was down in the dumps about the closing of the call center. Well in 1 day I sold 228 Balloon Grams. I was very happy about this since they only had 500 grams to sale and there was 7 more people selling grams. My BFF helped me sale when I was in meetings. So we raised $321.75 for March of Dimes.

Well that was my week in a nut shell. Happy Valentines Day.

Went Hiking

This weekend was pretty fun. On Friday Steve and I went out to dinner. We went to Famous Daves. It is a really good BBq place. Then we went to Wal-Mart. I bought some new work-out closes and we bought some dried goods for our hike the next morning.
The next morning we woke up around 7:00 and got prepared for our hike. We hike Rattlesnake ledge. It is a 1300 ft gain in a mile and a half. We sat at the top for about 30 minutes and since we felt good we decided to go on up to the second point. We hiked to a second lookout that was about 200 more feet up and looked down to where we were before. This was scary to get out of because if we slipped at all we would fall to our death. We rocked climbed out to the edge and got back safely. I wish I would have taken a picture of us doing it but as you can imagine I was holding on for dear life. Once I got out to the ledge I did take some pictures. We had a great time and the hikes are getting much easier. I wasn't even tired when we hit the top. When we got back down we decided to go check out some waterfalls in the area. By that time the hike hit in and we were too tired to hike to the bottom of the falls. Overall it was a good weekend and I slept a lot on Sunday.

Wasted Saturday

Woke up with an ambition to change my destiny. I shaved my legs, did my makeup and hair, put on my black dress, and wore my nicest heels. I drove 40 minutes to a job fair in the hopes to find some oppurtunites. I walk in with my friend who seems to know everyone. Immediately I feel out of place as I see no one else is dressed up. I have 10 copies of my resume in my hand and ready to make an oppurtunity. I am disappointed to learn that all the jobs at the job fair are all blue collar jobs. There is nothing wrong with "blue collar" jobs it is just not what I am looking for. I try to talk to them about adminstrative jobs but soon learn that there are no jobs. I then find a booth with oppurtunities for me but as I try to hand them my resume they give me a link to usajobs.gov. I can not believe that I wasted an entire Saturday just to get a web site address that I already knew about. No new contacts or new hope. My friend finds two jobs that are perfect to her. As she is talking to the recruiter I excuss myself to the car. I wait about 40 minutes for her to return. As I am waiting I call Charlie and find out that his son did get out of the hospital but the other one went in. They are going through so much and I feel so bad for them.

Once I return home it is time to go grocery shopping and that ends my Saturday.

A good day after all

I woke up Friday in a good mood but it soon turned south. I woke up for a jog and before I left I had some unfinished business to take care of. It did not turn out good and I was upset with Steve for not taking care of something I have been begging him to do for months. I left for my "go nowhere" job and the day just got worse. I hate that place sometimes all of my peers and my boss always want to correct me on something. So I walk into work and all the managers are dressed stupid. So I got coached immediately for not being a team player because I did not have a custom on. My friend did my hair all crazy with a green pom pom and we took a blue tablecloth a black and white scarf and leis to make me look crazy. It is suppose to motivate people but I hate doing it some days. So I did it and was deemed a team player. Hopefully I can find a job where I am seen as a professional. Don't get it twisted I love to have fun but there are limits. After that was done I gave someone a ride home from work and finnally my day was over. I was ready to just get home and drink some wine coolers.

I shared with Steve that I just did not see any point any more and that I am very depressed about everything going on. So when I get home Steve has cleaned the house and cooked dinner. It was very sweet. It made my day. He rarely does things like this and it was really nice. He made salad, bread, and beef and noodles. I appreciated the dinner so much.

Mid-week day off

So I had a really bad day on Tuesday. I decided to take today off to get my thoughts together. Well halfway throughout the day I decide to go out to my friends house so my dogs can run around. I stayed a long time, probably well past my welcome. My friends husband cooked us a taco dinner. He is a very nice man. He showed me how to drive a quad. We raced and he kicked my ass. I had so much fun. We rode until it got to dark. We rode through the woods so I got stuck a couple of times but overall I did very well. Before the quad ride. Val and I rode horses for a couple of hours. I nearly got bucked off because my horse was have anxiety since another horse got out of his sight. I am getting much better at riding. Enjoy the pictures. If anyone wants to hang out sometime let me know. I like to get out of the house.

A while

So it has been a while since I have posted. It has been a hectic week. I have been very busy trying to figure out my life. This weekend was a nightmare. I went to weight watchers on Saturday expecting to be 5 pounds down because Wii fit said so. Instead I did not lose anything. I ate a salad and a piece of pizza for lunch. Two hours later I was in the restroom. I will leave the rest to your imagination. Later that even I again had to visit the restroom and I actually fainted. I hit my head really hard and bruised my right side. I then slept the next day. I think I am finally over the illness but who knows. On the plus side I have a job lead and hopefully it will be worth my while. I also won a $50 starbucks card from 710 Kiro. The card came in the mail on Monday. WHOOHOO.

Surprising Weekend

I managed to get the fact that I am losing my job out of my mind. On Friday Steve and I went out to dinner. We have been trying to go out once a week. We went to Ruby Tuesday's. It was so good I had the white bean chili (4 points) and salad bar (9 points). We discussed my job status over dinner and we have decided that if I get offered a job we will move. I am torn because I do want to be closer to my family but I love the outdoors and this is the best state for that.

On our way home Steve needed to stop at Wal-Mart to pick up more allergy medicine. We got there just as a shipment came in and we found Wii Fit. And thank God we had extra money to buy Wii fit. I love to exercise after I get off work but I have been missing out since I have been working out longer and my apartment gym closes at 10:00. I played for 45 min Friday and Saturday and 30 min today. I love the game. It is a great alternative to going to the gym.

On Saturday I went to weight watchers and broke the news to all my friends there. They are going to keep their eyes open for me. Steve and I went to the grocery store and spent way to much because he needed some perscriptions and I took him off my medical since he qualifies for his own February 1st. For the rest of the night I cooked and we played games. Did I mention Steve is the best he cleaned the house on Friday so I would not have to worry about it. This meant so much to me since I am so stressed out right now. He is a great guy I wish more people saw that in him.

On Sunday Steve had to work so I went to my friends house we did a small hike (nature walk). We walked for about 2 hours. Then we rode hourses for about an hour. Samson and Lazarus loved it. They like to go out there and get off the leash. I had to give them a bath when we got home because Sam thought it was fun to roll around in horse poop. They did not want to leave. Si I am wrapping up my weekend by cleaning dishes and folding laundry.

Strength

God Grant me the Strength to be there for my team. I hope I am strong enough today. I try to put it out of my mind so I can make them feel better but it is getting harder and harder each day. I am putting in applications all over the US. Maybe this will be a chance to make more money. I want to move to Cleveland but I do not know if it will come through. Yesterday I had two people complaining about random things at work. I could not believe they were complaining about little things. So I nicely reminded them that they would not have to worry about it as of 08/03. I was trying to be funny. Well I need to start to head in. Put on a strong face.

Options

Ok my glass is half full. I met with a senior VP today and we discussed my options. I was VERY forward. I let them know what I have done and what I offer. We have an option to transfer to a branch within Key or to move to Buffalo or Cleveland. Unfortunately there are no guranteed positions and we may have reinterview to keep our jobs or get similar jobs. I am ahead of the game and already told them I want a job in Cleveland and to do the same job role which they are hiring people in Cleveland right now. Please pray for guidance for me.

In a breath your life can change forever

I was called to an emergency meeting this morning and heard this news http://blogs.thenewstribune.com/business/2009/01/13/keybank_will_close_its_tacoma_call_cente. So now I have to see where God puts me. Let the journey begin.

I deserve it

If you know me, you know that I am one of the cheapest persons you will meet. I hate buying things for myself and Steve jokes that when we go to Wal-Mart I go straight to the cheapest Clarence rake which is $3. If I look at anything higher he jokes with me. No matter how good we are with money I still have a tendency to find the great deal. Well I have been needing some good workout shoes so today I found a steal at Big 5 sporting goods. They are a pair of Starters that are normally $79.99. I got them for $18.99. I was so excited. So I walked around the mall more and saw Bath and Body Works was having a huge sale. Now I have a ton of lotions but no lip gloss. So I bought some hand soap and two lip glosses for only $9. So even though I did get some great deals I really did spend more on myself then I ever would have. I hate spending money but it helps that I did get a bonus for last month YEAH.

We are ok

No water hit us thank goodness. Since we were told to evacuate I stayed at a friends home. She lives on a farm and has horses and a lot of dogs. Our dogs loved it. She encouraged me to walk the dogs without a leash and they had a great time. They did not want to leave. It is wonderful to have great friends. When we got home we happy to see the water has gone down. This morning I went down there and it has dropped 26 feet already. We can walk on the path again. That is amazing since it was up about 30 feet just 24 hours ago. There were some damaged homes but from what I heard no one has died because of the floods. Floods are actually a great thing since they make soil rich for farmers. There is a point for everything that happens even if it seems tragic. I can not wait to walk on the path again.

Waiting to evacuate

There has been a lot of flooding in the Pacific Northwest. I received a call from my apartment complex today advising me to come home as we may have to evacuate soon. They have evacuated one building so far. I quickly came home to make sure my puppies were safe. I have been working from home but the water has risen a lot. Total they are expecting 35 feet. We live right next to the river. We got a notice to prepare to evacuate and now we are waiting on their word to go. We are going to stay at a friends house with the puppies. So please pray for us I know we will be fine though. Pray for all the families. Here are some pics below. This is the path right behind my apartment that I walk on.

Have to share

I know I am on a budget and in the winter fruits and veggies are not fresh and too expensive. I really like fruits and veggies but I have a hard time eating them in the winter. An example is I bought a watermelon at a farmers market for $4 (a small one) when I got home it was rotten in the inside. The same thing happened to the cucumber. So this week I was on a mission to get my fruits and veggies in each day. I picked up some frozen pineapple ($2), frozen strawberries ($2), and some orange juice ($2.38). I made a morning smoothie with 1/2 cup pineapple, 3 strawberries, and a cup of orange juice. This is 4 servings of fruits and veggies. Let me say it is AWESOME. I add a little sweetner because the tartness can get overwhelming due to the orange juice. I am going to try to add frozen veggies next week. BTW I got 5 breakfasts for $6.38 so it is healthy and fits my budget. Just a thought to anyone looking to get healthier. I will share my tricks with you as I find them. I still have about 100 more pounds to lose but I will get there. Love you all.

Fat Ignorance

So Steve and I were having a good Friday morning we are almost done with the thing we have been working on, my team hit goal, and it was a sunny day out. Since we were out early Steve wanted to go to the donought shop. This is a rare visit because I do not eat donoughts and there is no point to go for one person. So I decided to get a donought, the first one in months and wouldn't you know there would be some ignorant person at the shop. As I was walking out with my coffee in one hand and the keys in another (Steve was holding a bag of 4 donoughts) a old guy got out of his 1960's truck. He mummbled something in our direction and without thinking I said what was that. He then asked Did you leave some for the rest of us? Without understanding what he said I said yes we did. He then said "Good Girl" one I hit the car, I turned around and said have a great day Asshole. Now I have lost 40 pounds but I have a lot more to go. One of the only times I cheat there had to be someone to catch me. Being fat is now the new target. It use to be on race, religion, or sexuality. Now being fat is looked at in a bad light. I wish people knew what the medical reasons are behind me being fat but it really is no ones business. Please just treat me like a human. I do not fit the stereotype of lazy, dumb, and/or depressed. I hike MOUNTAINS, exercise daily, eat right, work 50+ hours a week, my home is almost always clean, and have a MBA. The stereotype needs to be banished and we need to treat large people with dignity and respect. Anyway I rambled engough have a great.

Whoohoo We did it

Finally my team I have been working with for 8 months finally hit all of their goals. It has been a tough battle with lots of work but we did it. I can not even describe how difficult it was to redevelop a staff of 18 people to hit goal but it was; trust me.

My lawyer finally took all of my paperwork to file on Friday we just need our tax forms sent to her. The IRS sucks. They really hate to help people. I hope no one has to deal with them. Things are looking up but I still have a TON of stress. I am sufering from randon panick attacks where I will just sit and cry and can not breath. I know I am being irrational but I can not stop. Hopefully they go away soon.

New Years Celebration

I guess you know you are older when your idea of bringing in the New Year by watching fireworks.....ON TV. I have been in a poor mood for some time. I guess it is because of all the stress I am under between work and home. It feels as if I can not get ahead on the house work and my own work. As soon as I finish the dishes there are more to do. As soon as the laundry gets done there is more to fold. I can not find the energy to rent the rug doctor to do the carpets. I like to clean the carpets once every 2-3 months but it has been 4 since the last cleaning. Hell I haven't even scrubbed the floor in a month. So on New Years I sat watching TV with Steve hoping that 2009 would be a lot more calm. Steve is so great. He tried to cheer me up with his silliness that a lot of my family does not get to see because Steve use to have a temper and it is hard for people to look beyond the past. Hopefully one day my family and Steve will get along. I hope 2009 will be great but right now I need to get the laundry, dishes, and trash done.